One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I hope Alan is OK
work smarter, not harder
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?