You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.