I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
time for some seasonal decor
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.