You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.