Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Mad Max: Furry Road
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*