“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
This hospital has everything
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands