Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.