Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
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What the dentist sees
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Smells like a challenge to me
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all