My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I told my vodka about you.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh