Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.