Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The struggle is real.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The Compass
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok