age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I have many caverns
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..