grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.