Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Dietest Coke
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people