People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
As the Lord intended
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼