PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
They grow up so quick
life finds a way
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I self medicate, therefore you live.