The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
You Might Also Like
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
figuring out my emotional availability:
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.