I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
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You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.