If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
In space, no one can hear…
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now