According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
#dalle2
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Brother?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.