My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
#CatsOnTwitter
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.