[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
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Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
🤣🤣💀
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.