*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.