“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.