Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
You Might Also Like
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
When someone trying to leave me
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs