The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Feels like there should be a middle ground
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.