Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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They also CAN sing✌️
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home