Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Jesus Christ lmao
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.