like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*