Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Harsh but fair
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit