How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
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[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
We’re all getting idioter.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.