HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.