i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
respect
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.