no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
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Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Everyone’s family
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.