When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount