Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“you recording!?”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.