What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed