I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
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GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I ate everything, including the H.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.