me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Yup.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Nothing.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.