Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
You Might Also Like
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.