My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.