Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
You Might Also Like
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
A choir of Spring onions
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
fair
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.