5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You had me at “define legal”.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones