I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.