My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
This kinda thing happens to me often
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games