Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
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[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
This pepper has seen some shit
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME