Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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Saw your ex at the shops
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.