johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk