[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Meowchelangelo
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy