If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me, in DM rooms…
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Um … Hot Wings please
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good